In Reverse
Today, I was pondering role reversals and changes in relationships. I’m sure you understand the concept; like when the student becomes the teacher, etc. Specifically, I was thinking about my observations on the relationships of parents and children, and that of couples. It seems like the change in calendar years and seasons has the same effect on me that death does; it starts my mind working on weighty issues.
My wife and I are a great example of this paradox. Before we got married, I was the one that had anxiety about keeping a clean house, and knew how to get the job done. Now, she is the one cleaning the house in the late evening hours, just like I used to do. As for me, I seem to have developed a keen ability to ignore filth that’s comparable to Stalag 13’s Sgt. Schultz’s ability to ignore P.O.W. infractions in lieu of pastry based bribes. “Strudel…I see nothing!”
You can also recognize it in the way that I worry about my parents as much as they have always worried about me. Also, there is the fact they ask my opinion on things of significance now, instead of mundane things like which flavor of ice cream I want. Now, I get to take them out to dinner, and the best part is: they have to go to the place I choose!
My wife and I are a great example of this paradox. Before we got married, I was the one that had anxiety about keeping a clean house, and knew how to get the job done. Now, she is the one cleaning the house in the late evening hours, just like I used to do. As for me, I seem to have developed a keen ability to ignore filth that’s comparable to Stalag 13’s Sgt. Schultz’s ability to ignore P.O.W. infractions in lieu of pastry based bribes. “Strudel…I see nothing!”
You can also recognize it in the way that I worry about my parents as much as they have always worried about me. Also, there is the fact they ask my opinion on things of significance now, instead of mundane things like which flavor of ice cream I want. Now, I get to take them out to dinner, and the best part is: they have to go to the place I choose!
posted by TGB at
11:50 PM
3 Comments:
Here is a piece of sage wisdom for you. You know you have finally reached adulthood in your parent’s eyes when they tell you a naughty joke.
Since I am a few years older than you are, I can tell you that the role reversal continues its progress until you find yourself in the position of having to parent your parent. It is a very difficult role to play. My father looked to me to make decisions for him for the most part, but still retained the right to yank back the reins and make his own wishes known without warning. One finds it very sobering to have your father, the authority figure you respected growing up, question you as to what to do about something as mundane as getting the trash cans to the curb.
This week was the one-year anniversary of dad’s death. No one seemed to remember the date except me. I didn’t even hear a comment from my brother. A white-haired man on a lawn tractor still gives me pause, as does the sight of a gentleman dressed in a plaid shirt using his cane to make his way safely down the aisle at the grocery store. It’s not an overwhelming grief, just a quiet sigh when I realized I didn’t need to buy the carton of “Good Bite” chewing tobacco or the tin of sugar-free toffee this year.
It is fitting in a way that dad passed at Christmas time. He and mom put everything into Christmas for us. Dad rang the sleigh bells outside the window as Santa climbed up to peek in at us. My parents spent hours after we were tucked in on Christmas Eve setting up an entire village and steam engine. First up was the tree seated on the train platform. It was decorated with real glass Christmas balls and porcelain bells – pieces I still place on my own tree. The tinsel was carefully laid one strand at a time on each and every branch. Next the train track was laid down and then the brown dirt roads that led to paper Mache’ houses. Metal people, dogs, cows, sheep and horses were next. The final touch was the snow, just a light dusting on the rooftops to set the mood. I never asked how long it took to set the village up each Christmas Eve but I’m glad I didn’t. Somehow knowing would steal away the magic.
Don’t worry, just because some of us have a hard time talking about it, doesn’t mean we forget. That ability to quietly take care of things, without the need for drama, was a staple of my grandfather’s style
Age does change a person in more than the physical sense. I now pause every time I hear Harry Chapin’s “Cats in the Cradle,” or even better: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young’s “Teach Your Children.” I pause because I realize that I get it now.
“And you, of tender years,
Can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.”—from “Teach Your Children,” by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young
On my way home from work tonight I wanted to stop by the cemetery to place greenery on my parent’s gravesite. I find it so sad that I felt the need to call my husband and ask him to meet me there so I didn’t have to do it alone. Did I need the emotional support? No, I was ok in that department. I needed him there with me because of the creeps that are preying on those of us who wish to honor our loved ones. Stories are circulating of enterprising thieves stealing cars, purses and the like while you place your tribute.
Post a Comment
<< Home