I went to the Twin Valley Middle School Friday night to watch members of the Philadelphia Eagles play basketball against members of the faculty as well as people from the community. Besides being one of the loudest things I have ever attended, it was also one of the most unintentionally hilarious.
I’ll start with A.J. Feeley’s mustache. I don’t know what it is about backup quarterback’s but they always have horrendously bad facial hair (the all-time title goes to Kyle Orton’s neck-beard). I guess they think that since they aren’t going to play they have to look ridiculous to get noticed. You may not know them for their play, but you do know them for their mustache, and I guess that’s good enough.
Also there that night was Eagles wide-receiver DeSean Jackson. This is the same DeSean Jackson that spiked the ball for scoring a touchdown before he actually crossed the goal line. So, he’s kind of a knucklehead. He was pretty mild-mannered when the game started, but as it went on he got more and more intense. During three successive trips down the floor he missed an easy layup, got a shot blocked and took a hard foul. After that, his body language completely changed. He went it to “screw this, I am a professional athlete, and I will dominate you” mode almost instantaneously. He made three three-point shots in a row and had two steals to end the quarter. He had a Jordan-esque quality about him, if Jordan had ever played pickup basketball, against teachers.
I also thought during half time that someone was going to die. Someone decided that it would be a good idea to have “Swoop” the Eagles mascot throw souvenirs into the crowd. I generally support the merchandise into crowd dynamic, especially when air-powered cannons are involved, however, I no longer support throwing green footballs into crowds of elementary students.
The fact is that most elementary students can’t catch. This creates a controversy over who actually owns the piece of merchandise. The kid who touched it first believes he has a right to the ball, but once it hits the ground, so does every other kid in the area. What follows is an unholy dog-pile with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I saw several punches being thrown, and one kid, emerging from the pile victorious with the ball in hand, was chased and tackled by another student.
However, the funniest event of the night involved an Amish man on Twin Valley’s team and A.J. Feeley. This Amish guy was Bruce Bowen to Feeley’s Kobe Bryant. Wherever Feeley went this Amish guy was there, pestering him. He had at least three steals on Feeley, and each time Feeley would have this look on his face like, “I can’t believe that just happened.” And Jason Avant or DeSean Jackson would look at Feeley like, “Come on, A.J., pick it up, or we’re going to throw you in a locker with John Runyan’s ‘lucky socks’ from the 2005 Super Bowl run.”
Either way, it was a fun night, and I am glad I went.