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In one of Steve Martin's funniest movies, 'The Jerk,' there is a scene where his character is over-the-top happy when the new phone book is delivered. He quickly scans, finds his name and feels like he now belongs.
These days, the phone book is more of a nuisance than a real tool. Everybody has a cell phone. The Internet offers a listing of any number you could possibly want and, if you aren't near a computer, just dial 411 to get connected.
So, why do we keep getting the phone book every year. Sure, there's a sense of the past when the thing ends up on the front steps. Maybe we take a quick look inside to see if there are any good coupons or menus (although both can be easily accessed on line).
Then what? It either goes on a back table, into a drawer or thrown out. Unless you are a circus performer and want to try to rip one in half, there has to be a better use.
So, here are the top five uses for a useless phone book:
1. Line a bird cage. Instead of using the newspaper, use the pages from the phone book. It adds a bit of color to your road and the pet's. Of course, keep buying the newspaper, just use it for something else (Fish wrapper? Do we wrap fish anymore?).
2. Make paper airplanes out of the pages. What child doesn't like to make paper airplanes? It's an easy couple of folds and, boom, a quick toy. Better yet, it's free. Which leads us to...
3. Make paper boats. Another quick, cheap toy that, with enough pages, will add years of enjoyment.
4. Donate it to the library. Hey, someday somebody might be doing a senior project on phone books. The more the merrier.
5. OK, there are only four alternate uses.


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