Ed, on a recent Friday night my 14-year-old son went to Ice Land to skate. He had a pair of purple suede sneakers and someone stole them. I’m a woman living on disability with four kids. I don’t have a lot of money, and I don’t want my kids going to school without shoes. I don’t appreciate the person who stole them. If they would be so kind as to return them to Ice Land or to call you Ed, I would really appreciate it. I can’t afford a lot of shoes.

Shoeless

Listen, you rotten bastard who stole the shoes, the only possible way you’re not going straight to hell for this one is if you bring the shoes back to Ice Land.— Ed. Note