I tacked a version of this onto a story about local politicians' new years resolutions that ran Jan. 1, just as a bit of fun, but it didn't make the cut. That's alright, though - this version is so much better that comparing the two would be like comparing a walrus to Andy Reid.

That's a bad example, but you get the point:

1. Get fat(ter).
2. Take up smoking.
3. Kick more puppies.
4. Consolidate my debt. (Into larger debt.)
5. Be more of a jerk.
6. Stop grooming.
7. Contract more STDs.
8. Oral surgery!
9. Have less sex.
10. Eat a baby.