I didn't get the chance to put this in my certification hearing story - which, with any luck, will run before the general election - but it turns out Upper Prov. Republican Thomas McFadden has a fair sense of humor about himself.
McFadden, you might remember, got pretty damn nasty with Bill Thomas at the last election board hearing, dropping an eff-bomb in Thomas's face so laced with venom I think it killed half the flowers in the room.
Of course I put it in the story. I had to - it was the most interesting thing that happened that day and reminded me of the good ol' Paula Brown days when I was covering Darby.
McFadden (described by a fellow GOPer as a "pitbull" of a candidate) was back for the certification hearing. He didn't say a thing to me nor I to him, but I did notice at one point that he showed someone a roll of duct tape, indicating it was for his own mouth.
Woulda been a better gag if he actually wore it on his face through the whole hearing, but I'll still give him an 'E' for effort.

During a commercial for the upcoming Transformers movie, my ladyfriend remarked that "actress" Megan Fox had landed #2 on Maxim's annual "Hot 100" list.
When I asked who made number one, she replied, "Thirteen, Olivia Wilde."
Me: "But who made number one?"
Ladyfriend: "Olivia Wilde. Thirteen."
Me: Puzzled looks.

I don't watch the teledrama House on the Fox TV, but apparently Olivia Wilde plays a character named, for reasons I can only imagine are horribly contrived, "13."

Once this was explained to me, we finished setting our baseball roster.

The Chester Upland School District is considering giving each of its 363 students entering ninth grade this year a $50 bonus for attending a 20-day accelerated learning program during the summer.
There are those who would say this is bribery, and they may very well be right. But that begs the question: So what?

See, most things in life (the things that work, anyway) get done through the subtle art of bribery. You want me to help you move? Then you know to provide beer and pizza. You want me to vote for your handgun bill? You better give me a vote on my health care plan. You want me to fix the leaking roof? Then we are going to do some weird stuff tonight in bed.

Just look at the expenditures in Iraq and Afghanistan. How much of that is funneled to local despots just to ensure troops can pass through a particular area unmolested, or that supplies reach their intended destination? How much to ensure good intel from spies, or that guards can't be bought off?

See, in the real world, people (ideally) get paid for the work they do, or whatever is produced from their efforts. Since school is supposed to prepare students for work (which we all know it does not) then it follows that paying students for the work they perform in school is maybe not all that bad an idea - granted you pay based on the work produced (read: grade received).
None of this is new stuff, by the way, just a rehash of some old ideas.

Charlotte Hummel, the eminently quotable school board director from the William Penn School District, chimed in on the Daily Times Web site to suggest that instead of a bonus, summer jobs could be found for these students. Which also wouldn't be such a bad idea if it didn't totally ignore the class aspect - you know, the point of the bonus?

CUSD Empowerment Board Chairman Marc Woolley tabled the cash plan in the face of some pretty staunch disapproval from fellow board members. He suggested other incentives, however, like a field trip to an amusement park.
Again, that's a bribe, and it's fine by me, but it should also be merit-based. You know, like sports. Tell the kids at the beginning of the school year: You don't hit a certain GPA, you ain't goin' to Disneyland (or, more likely, Hershey Park). Mark my words: You put caveats on rewards that have hither-to been perceived as inalienable rights and kids will respond accordingly. Just see how many moan at first, then put their heads down and get to work.

Granted, this won't work on everyone. I wouldn't have given a damn about a field trip when I was in school and $50 was easy enough to find if I really needed it, so there's a percentage you just won't be able to reach with anything short of the threat of being press-ganged aboard a Somali pirate ship (which, come to think of it, probably wouldn't have worked on me, either).
For the most part, though, bribes get results - doesn't matter if you're in the Senate or a hostile foreign land or high school. So I say by all means, hit the feds up for the funding and spread the cash around a little.
Just don't let 'em spend it all at Harrah's.

I didn't get the chance to include this the other day in the sidebar about veteran GOP Sen. Arlen Specter switching parties (again) but Springfield Republican Party head Mike Puppio pointed out - and I have to agree - that gaining Specter is no win for the Democrats.
In fact, it could very easily become a loss when all is said and done next November.

The reasoning basically goes like this: Pat Toomey, the strongest current contender for the GOP nomination in the 2010 race, potentially could have beat Specter in the primary. But anyone the Democrats put up (short of Baby Huey) would likely take out Toomey in November.
Result: 100 percent, full-blooded Democrat taking over for Specter in 2011.

With Specter's switch, however (plus swift backing from the Dems, who already say they won't endorse another candidate) Toomey can stop playing to the ultraconservatives and move more to the middle, while hammering Specter on his principles (or lack thereof) over the party switch.
Toomey, who many regard as a raving lunatic, is undeniably out of step with Republicans in the Southeast, but he could find a good deal of support from conservatives in the west on those two prongs alone. Compound that with Delco Democratic Party leader Cliff Wilson's observation that Specter could lose votes from new, young Democrats and independents if they see his switch as simple political self-preservation (which, you know, duh) and the odds of the seat remaining GOP would be at least even.
On top of that, if Republicans were to run someone like, say, Tom Ridge, who could defeat Toomey in the primary standing on his head, Specter could be in real trouble.
Result: 100 percent, full-blooded Republican taking over for Specter in 2011.

Now, let's say Specter somehow mystically wins out in November against whomever (which is entirely possible, though not full-on plausible).
Result: 40 percent Democrat taking over for a 60 percent Republican (himself) in 2011.

So, as Mike asked, what did Democrats really gain?
Not a whole hell of a lot, it would seem.


On a completely unrelated note, today marks Obama's 100th day in office. The television program "Lost" also airs its 100th episode tonight on ABC. Coincidence? Or do you get the feeling Obama wasn't supposed to leave the island?

It's tax day, and I am, quite understandably, non-plussed with my current fiscal outlook (see previous post). What with the filing, and the hatred for rich folks, and the impotent, all-consuming rage, it's probably going to take at least my weight in alcohol (and maybe yours, too) just to get to sleep tonight.
But even with all that, you know what I'm not doing today? Anything involving teabags. If you feel like dumping some tea into anything other than a cup today, go right ahead. Just do so with the knowledge that you, sir, are a Class A Nimrod. Aside from the fact that you would be completely missing the point of the original Boston tea party, there is also something to be said about how little anyone, anywhere, at any time (Fox News aside) will care about your little stunt.
No one in finance, no one in government, I mean absolutely no one is going to care how many bags of tea you dip into anything. And they will never care unless those teabags start choking up the system somehow - say, a trading floor or international credit card company.
Until you start actually messing with the Powers That Be in an effective manner, rather than playing dress up with your bowling buddies? Yeah, you ain't changing a damn thing, my nimrod friend.
But, you know, good luck with that anyhow. Have fun at your little "teabagging party" with your revolutionary friends. Down by the docks. Wearing frilly blouses. I'm sure no one will be laughing around mouthfuls of caviar at your expense.

You want another 800 bucks? What the hell did you do with the $5,349 I already gave you last year?
Oh, that's right, you tossed it all in a desert and set it on fire. Or tossed it all over Wall Street and let them set it on fire.
Bravo, Douchie Le Rue.
Well, you know what, government? I'm not buying you any more toys to play with if you can't treat what I've already given you with respect.
I mean, seriously. What the hell is the matter with you? I'm lucky if I pull $420 a week with all the damn taxes you're hitting me with already, and now you want even more? For what? A new war? You barely did anything with the last one you started.
And that take-home figure, by the way, has not gone up in three years. Oh sure, I'm in a union and I get contractual raises, which is all well and good. But I also pay more every year in non-income taxes and medicare and all sorts of other little odds and bodkins that get sucked out of my check on a weekly basis. So I never actually see more money go into my pocket, but you jerks at the IRS don't care because on paper I made more in 2008 than in 2007.
Well, hooray for me.

And I ain't complaining about having a job, because lord knows that's not easy to come by these days (if you're not related to someone at the government center). Hell, I just watched someone put out 100-plus resumes before getting anything, but COME ON.
It's like if I'm not spitting out half a dozen ignorant, unwanted rats to suck at your teat or entering into some ill-advised, legally-binding relationship (read: marriage), I don't get any break at all. Where's all this compassion for the working man I hear so much about? Huh?

Oh, that's right. I get an extra $11 a week in my paycheck. Woop-de-freakin-doo. Let's see now, $11 ... times 52 ... carry the staggering debt, and that comes to ... ONE TENTH OF THE FREAKIN' MONEY YOU'RE SUCKING OUT OF MY WITHERED HUSK!
Well, bad news there, buckaroo, because I ain't got it. As of this writing, I have 22 cents in the bank. I am not even kidding.
So you say, "That's okay, we can work out a payment plan." Oh, goodie, can we? "Sure," you say. "It'll only cost you $45 up front, an undefined percentage of interest, plus penalties for any late payments if you should happen to come up short one month because, you know, YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN TAXED TO DEATH."

Well, forget that, man. And forget you. I ain't playing your stupid reindeer games anymore. What're you gonna do, send me to debtors prison (read: Georgia)? Good! I'll alert the media. Let's make this a big, fat, ugly political statement. I'm gonna enjoy being an economic martyr, roasting on the cross for the sins of bankers everywhere, critiquing all the horribly stupid garbage you rich bastards throw cash at like its a damn carny game with baseballs and milk bottles.

First item I'll be shouting incoherently about from the stockade? You guessed it: bailouts for the perversely rich, all of whom I would at this point like to bludgeon to death with a stack of junk bonds.
Unless you're giving that bailout money directly to me in a zero-sum exchange for your insane economic policies, then forget it. Look, this one should be easy: Let poorly-run companies die, that well-run companies might thrive. That's capitalism. Get with it, or I'll set you on fire.

Number two? Iraq War. You say we gotta stay around to make sure we "safely" redeploy over an 18-month period? Wrong again, jackass. First of all, the longer you're there, the less safe it becomes. Secondly, if an invading force finally decides to leave a country, I promise you, I guaran-freaking-tee you, the natives will not only help you pack, they will drive you at break-neck speeds to the airport without firing bullet one.
Which oughta free up a few billion, doncha think?

Or hey, how about we don't put ads for MONEY on television anymore, huh? You think we really need a $20 million advertising campaign telling people there's a new Washington dollar coin? No. No we don't. We'll see the things when they get into circulation. It's not like I won't figure out it's legal tender and just start throwing the stupid things away in the trash cans next to Septa ticket machines (which is the only place you'll ever see them dispensed, by the way, because FOR THE LAST FREAKING TIME, THIS IS NOT EUROPE AND WE DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID COIN MONEY).

And that's just a taste of my wrath, Mr. Tax Man, I got plenty more where that came from. Enough to write a book - or a manifesto, maybe?
It's up to you. Do what's right and this can all go away. If you don't, well ...
Then I guess I'll see you in court.
Sucker.

"Area Man's Minimum-Wage Paycheck $11 Less Intolerable Than Before Obama"

"'No, Jer Booty!' Jokes on Rise in Wake of Piracy."

"Chitwood to Media: 'No Comment.'"