Dear Gillette,
Seriously? OK. Look. I don't need razors that make me feel as though I'm shaving in the future. I don't need lasers, or giant robots, or vacuum tubes in dark warehouses that somehow "fuse" a red and blue light for that elusive "closer shave."
And I really don't need celebrities trying to sway my decision on what razor to use.
I mean, I get the progression here, but it's just the silliest idea: Tiger Woods, Roger Federer and some other guy I've never heard of (sorry, soccer) use yr razors because they're SOOO AWESOME. And because they use them, and at least two of them are world-famous sports stars, well then if I too use yr razor ... gasp! Why, I'll be a world-famous sports star!
Here's the thing. I bought a Gillette Mach 3 about seven or eight years ago on the advice of a guy who lived in my basement. Even that was a stretch for me, and I hardly ever use it as it is. Know why? Because four refill razors cost $132.50. I imagine that's why they are the only things besides drugs that are under lock and key at CVS. (It might actually be easier to get to the drugs, now that I think about it.)
Usually I just drag a pair of clippers across my face (which is probably great for my skin). But maybe I wouldn't have to if you'd cut back a little on the state-of-the-art advertising and sponsorship deals, and pass the savings on to me. You know, the consumer? Remember me?
The hair is going to keep growing, you know. At least until chemo. So I am going to have to occasionally get it off somehow for weddings and funerals. You don't need to sell me on the idea by paying sports figures ungodly amounts of money to star in commercials where they play squash with the globe.
I mean, you don't see Wynonna Judd singing about how absorbent her Tampax Pearl tampons are, do you? No. Because 1) the idea is repellent and 2) you don't really need to sell that concept with has-been music stars. (Mostly 1, though, I think.)
And to everyone else - enough already with the oneupsmanship. Yes, four razors are too many. Just admit you screwed up. Don't add a single "precision razor" to the other side and call it a "revolution in shaving technology." What kind of Bush administration crap is that? (Politics tie-in! Boo-yah!) Let's keep in mind the single razor is what started this insanity.
Let's also try to keep some perspective. Just because my face is velvety smooth (on those rare occasions it is not bleeding from having what are essentially very tiny knives dragged across it) does not mean supermodels will sleep with me. Supermodels sleep with guys like Roger Federer because he could use my paycheck to light a cigar, and then throw that cigar into a pile of my paychecks after one puff, and light another. With another one of my paychecks.
It's a vicious cycle.
However, just in case yr interested, I do own a patent on a 168-razor shaving mask that requires only application to the face and a simple, one-centimeter downward stroke to shave everything below the earlobes. The Navy's already been calling with offers (something about cutting a minute out of a morning routine) so make it snappy if you want in.

Also, here's a t-shirt I'd like to see, in the classic I (heart) NY style: I (picture of rock) Infidels.
If that doesn't already exist, somebody get tshirthell on the line, 'cause they owe me $50.