The following is a textual conversation I had with a friend today, very nearly verbatim:

Him: This phone machine sucks (expletive deleted).
Me: I thought you had some hoity toity phone machine with all manner of electronic gimmickry?
H: Promises promises. It's like the Sarah Palin of technology.
M: It has 3G experience because it lives near silicone valley?
H: It thinks that because it has a big bright screen no one will notice its shortcomings and illogical functions.
M: It browses Web sites. Which ones? Oh, all of them. All the major ones.
H: It denounces updates because they conflict with its Christian heritage.
M: It believes in time honored values like firewalls and one access code for one OS, but fails to acknowledge security breaches within its own network.
H: It wants to be the OS in charge, but it can't finish its first download.
M: It also spent a fortune on new skins out of your Paypal account and now refuses to delete any.
H: It also thinks it's rurally constructed base translates to the rest of the models.
M: And that overseeing 60 bits of ram for a year and a half has prepared it for taking charge of the DOD database.
H: Or when it drops a call the problem is "solved."
M: It sends the texts it chooses to send, not necessarily the ones you asked it to send. Because it's a maverick.
H: It won't use a rebate because rich people are all that matter and market forces have proved it.
M: It constantly digs into your thigh in an attempt to drill, baby, drill!
H: It's a friend to the environment because its radio waves are killing the pesky bees and their dumb hives.
M: The toxins from its batteries have been known to kill local wolf populations. From the air.
H: It's plastic contributes to global warming, which is solving the polar bear question.
M: It believes that cell phone creation begins not at the factory, but in R & D.
H: It believes that without its battery it will not be recycled and sit at the right hand of the one true cell phone.
M: It believes chargers are a privilege, not a right, and that every phone has to pull itself up by the charging cord if it wants a full battery.
H: It believes that each state should choose what is best for its cell phones without a body to oversee all cellphone activity, thus freeing the market to self regulate.
M: I'm totally putting this in my blog.
H: Sweet, I didn't know I was going to be published.
M: I'm not using your name.
H: (expletive deleted).

Parting shot: I'm really enjoying all this extra sunlight in the morning, and I can rest assured that I'll save on candles come Spring. Thanks, Mr. Franklin!