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A Disassociated Press Report
Russia invades Georgia
By Beauford T. Justice and JM “Matt” Byrd
Extra Special to Phoenixvillenews.com
BULLET COUNTY, Ga. – Georgia Governor Mikheil Saakashvili expressed his dismay Wednesday at the continued Russian assault on the border town of Augusta, complaining to the
United Nations Security Council that raging cossacks were, as he spoke to the panel, using their tanks to destroy the fairways at famed Augusta National, decimating the state’s largest source of income and forcing the PGA to ban Russian players from upcoming tour events. Saakashvili told the council that he fears the fall of Augusta will open the whole state to invasion, and irregular troops have been dispatched to the front to halt the Russian advance. The soldiers, each armed with a 30-06 shotgun, two World War II surplus grenades, a Bowie knife, a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and their Sons of Confederate Veterans membership cards, have been stationed at the borders of Augusta and have 
thus far proven to be more than a match for the Russian Forces. Nearly a sixth of the Russian tank division lay ruined along Interstate 20, victim to an onslaught of moonshine Molotov cocktails. Inside the besieged city, Russian tanks attempted to pull down the bronze statue of James Brown that stands in the city’s central square, but were driven away by an impromptu insurgency of Brown’s 138 illegitimate children living in Augusta. In response to the invasion, Georgia has recalled its ambassador, Ted Turner, and has tasked its 
best drivers with traveling to Texarkana to retrieve enough beer to wait out the invasion and return within 48 hours. Russia announced late Wednesday that in retaliation for the diplomatic affront of Georgia recalling their ambassador, they dispatched special forces troops to kidnap REM. At the announcement that the state’s most well-known rock band had been kidnapped and were being held in a gulag in Siberia, Georgia residents cheered and offered to throw in the B-52s. The Russians declined the offer. The sun fell with the Russians plotting their next advance
, with more and more troops and provisions moving in through South Carolina, which has opened their ports to Russia in exchange for the “Peach State” trademark motto if Russia were to win. Upon hearing that the Russians had halted their advance for the day, Gov. Saakashvili, in a rare unguarded moment, blurted to the assembled members of the UN Security Council: “The South shall rise again!”
By Beauford T. Justice and JM “Matt” Byrd
Extra Special to Phoenixvillenews.com
BULLET COUNTY, Ga. – Georgia Governor Mikheil Saakashvili expressed his dismay Wednesday at the continued Russian assault on the border town of Augusta, complaining to the
United Nations Security Council that raging cossacks were, as he spoke to the panel, using their tanks to destroy the fairways at famed Augusta National, decimating the state’s largest source of income and forcing the PGA to ban Russian players from upcoming tour events. Saakashvili told the council that he fears the fall of Augusta will open the whole state to invasion, and irregular troops have been dispatched to the front to halt the Russian advance. The soldiers, each armed with a 30-06 shotgun, two World War II surplus grenades, a Bowie knife, a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and their Sons of Confederate Veterans membership cards, have been stationed at the borders of Augusta and have 
thus far proven to be more than a match for the Russian Forces. Nearly a sixth of the Russian tank division lay ruined along Interstate 20, victim to an onslaught of moonshine Molotov cocktails. Inside the besieged city, Russian tanks attempted to pull down the bronze statue of James Brown that stands in the city’s central square, but were driven away by an impromptu insurgency of Brown’s 138 illegitimate children living in Augusta. In response to the invasion, Georgia has recalled its ambassador, Ted Turner, and has tasked its 
best drivers with traveling to Texarkana to retrieve enough beer to wait out the invasion and return within 48 hours. Russia announced late Wednesday that in retaliation for the diplomatic affront of Georgia recalling their ambassador, they dispatched special forces troops to kidnap REM. At the announcement that the state’s most well-known rock band had been kidnapped and were being held in a gulag in Siberia, Georgia residents cheered and offered to throw in the B-52s. The Russians declined the offer. The sun fell with the Russians plotting their next advance
, with more and more troops and provisions moving in through South Carolina, which has opened their ports to Russia in exchange for the “Peach State” trademark motto if Russia were to win. Upon hearing that the Russians had halted their advance for the day, Gov. Saakashvili, in a rare unguarded moment, blurted to the assembled members of the UN Security Council: “The South shall rise again!”
posted by The Phoenix Files at
6:47 PM
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