Hi, Ed, I’m calling about cemetery vandalism in Ewing. I went out there today and noticed my mother’s elephant was gone. I’d like to leave a message for whoever took that elephant. I hope you have luck with it because I will meet you in the cemetery on Sunday and kick your a--.

Revenge

Now, now. A big knock-down-drag-out in the cemetery will only lead to more vandalism. But if anyone sees a suspicious person lugging an elephant, be sure to impede his/her progress.—Ed. Note