Now, I know I'm supposed to be writing about politics here, but there are a couple things you should know about this blog first:
1. I'm a bit wary of saying something that will harm or discredit my objectivity, rendering me unable to properly perform my actual job (as opposed to this thing, which I generally view as just a bit of fun).
2. I was told I can write just about anything I want here. I don’t know how far I’m going to push that, but it does free me to just sort of wander a bit.
With that in mind, I offer some thoughts on the debacle that was the first day of Australian Open coverage on ESPN2, which began about 7 p.m. last night and went on until about 2:30 a.m. (or at least, that's when I turned it off).
Aside from watching the Blue Eagles embarrass Dallas and giving the new and utterly unnecessary Terminator series a chance during commercials, I watched this entire stretch of coverage.
Because I am a tennis junkie. Not, mind you, in the sense of a baseball or football junkie, who would know every single player on every single team, what school they went to, and their shoe size. Those people are insane and, frankly, a bit creepy.
But if tennis is on, then I’m watching it, and for a little while it’s just about all I talk about.
If you don’t know anything about tennis, or didn’t catch the open because you don’t have cable, or thought maybe there was so much left unsaid in Terminator 3 you simply had to watch that series instead (or, God help you, you actually enjoy watching the Family Guy) then this probably won’t make much sense, but what in the hell happened to the tie-break in the Jelena “Weird Al” Jankovic/Tamira Paszek match?
I mean, good Christ, that game just would not end. I could understand if there weren't tie-breaks to decide the match throughout the tournament, but I know at least that the men's side had them, so what gives? Why did I have to watch something like two hours of the most excruciating display of bush-league tennis I’ve ever seen on a pro court before Jankovic finally won out 12-10? And she's good! Even Lindsay “Pig-Guard” Davenport’s baby could have done better, and it's only been around seven months.
Which the commentators apparently never got tired of pointing out, by the way. Listen, Lindsay, bully for you, finding a man actually willing to father your child (as my roommate said last night, “There isn’t enough beer in London…”) but seriously – I don’t care about your baby. And we don’t need a highlight reel of the crumb-crusher coupled with your return from retirement.
Nor do we need a highlight reel of Nikolay Davydenko’s suspicion in a gambling bru-haha when I’m trying to watch Maria Sharapova do her thang.
Actually, let me back up on that one. With the exception of the Australian Rules no tie-break weirdness during the Jankovic match, the actual coverage to that point had been pretty good.
You got to see a slightly-less-scary-looking Serena Williams handily take down Jarmila Gajdosova. Fine. Andy Roddick advanced with a tie-break finish against Lukas “Doughy” Dlouhy. Ok.
Didn’t really get to see Justine Henin’s trouncing of Aiko Nakamura, but maybe you didn’t need to – this was the opening round, after all.
But then the Sharapova/Jelena Kostanic Tosic match began, so of course that’s the featured match, right? Sure. So why the hell am I watching Napoleon Dynamite (Andy Murray) take on Jo-Wilfried Tsonga? Sure, it’s a hotly-contested men’s opener, and it did end in another tie-break with Tsonga finally winning out, but let me tell you something about watching Tsonga battle Carrot Top: that’s not what puts asses in seats.
It eventually did swing back to Sharapova and her patented little pre-point dance (which, incidentally, is what puts asses in seats) for the final points, but not until after a 10-minute reeler on Davydenko. Poor timing there, fellas (ellas, ellas, ey, ey).
Now, I’m not saying I know how to run a network any better than the top execs. at ESPN2, but yes, that is actually exactly what I’m saying.
Gah.
End transmission.