You know, I always thought the line, “She’ll be riding six white horses when she comes” was a little creepy.
Is that really the kind of thing we should be teaching children? Songs about Catherine the Great? I mean, I’m for folk music as much as the next guy (which is to say, enough to trick hippie chicks into sleeping with me) but there’s a line, man.
You know what else is creepy? Elvis, and how much he sings about date rape. Just check out the lyrics to “It’s Now or Never,” or “Love Me Tonight.”
Actually, those are both pretty much the same song. You get the idea, though.

But Elvis was a pioneer, and as such deserves a special place in all our hearts. Keeping in mind “rock n’ roll” is a euphemism, “Jailhouse Rock” was a daring – and dangerous – foray into the awful-smelling world of prison sex. (It’s also funny to juxtapose that on an America still enthralled with “Leave it to Beaver.”)
And while the chances of my ever getting married are about the same as the average slug out there in the wastelands of the American Midwest electing a black man president (keep dreamin’, Dems) I nonetheless always wanted to be married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas. Really, there would be no other way I could take it seriously.
But now I have a new dream.
There really are very few good reasons to ever go near Times Square, but the Toys R’ Us there is among them.
On the third floor of that amazing wonderland is a display for Jurassic Park toys that includes a not-quite-to-scale-but-still-impressively-large T-Rex. That shakes its head around. And blinks.
And roars.
You can hear it all over the store.
(It’s awesome.)
So here’s my idea - dress the dino like a pastor, glue a bible to his claw, and respond appropriately to his various chirps and roars.
I think it might go, a little something, a-like this:
“With this ring…”
“Growl!”
“I thee wed.”
“ROOOOAAAAARRRR!”

Then for the reception you could dress him in a tuxedo. With a giant top hat. And a monocle. I swear, this stuff just about writes itself.

Ok, so granted I could ever find a woman to agree to that, I guess I could hitched.
But we wouldn’t make the same mistake so many other couples do by registering at Pottery Barn or the liquor store or Suncoast Video.
Naw, man. We’d be registered at the bank. That way, all the gifts are various sums of money.
Am I a genius or what?