Those of you who know me might be surprised by my heartfelt endorsement of John McCain for President of the United States.
Whoa! Please! My friends, put down the tomatoes and hear me out on this.
John McCain says he knows how to fix the economy, and he does. The thing is, he doesn't know that it's not his economic policy that will do it.
It's his foreign policy.
I think most of us can agree John McCain is an insanely temperamental bastard hellbent on wiping out roughly 1/3 of the world's inhabitants through ill-conceived wars against "rogue nations" in the name of American-style democracy and freedom (see also: "wiretaps, illegal" and "voters, disenfranchised").
He is admittedly wholly unfit to lead this or any other nation to peace. But prosperity? Well now, that's another matter.

Let's look back to Great Depression I, as I have just dubbed it, and the circumstances that got us out of it. It weren't no sissy New Deal crap, I can tell ya that. Dig a ditch/fill a hole? Get the hell outta here.
No, it was the industrial strength of a nation with Japanese spit in its eye lookin' to pay the insult back tenfold. It put us back on the map, baby! And that was war with just three major world powers - imagine the endless manufacturing that would result (and be at least 50 percent outsourced overseas) if we went against Iran, Syria, Pakistan, North Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan at the same time! Hell, let's throw in Turkey, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Vietnam, Des Moines, Iowa and Cuba for good measure.
In fact, why don't we just say "Asia." Now you're thinking like a maverick! Who in history has ever declared war on an entire continent before? I mean, besides oil barons on the arctic circle. We're making history here! McCain's kind of history - revisionist!
And remember how after Dubya Dubya Eye Eye, the military industrial complex didn't stop? How it just went on and on for decades throughout the Cold War and the arms race, the espionage and secret murders, the puppet governments and groovy spy tech?
Good times. Real Ian Flemming stuff, it was great.
Now imagine those halcyon days of yore set against desert backdrops instead of frosty Minsk.

I put the question to you, my friends: Do you want a guy who's gonna defuse global tensions with rational conversation like Barack Secret-Muslim Obama, or the kinda guy who would call his wife rhymes-with-bunt in front of three reporters and then have the huevos to deny it ever happened?
A guy promoting an economically bankrupt "peace," or the kinda guy who can push a $2 billion aircraft carrier through Congress that no one actually wants/needs?
The kind of cautious analytical mind that knew enough not to leap headlong into a half-baked bailout plan for Wall Street, or the kind of devil-may-care, button-pressin' maverick who routinely crashes million-dollar air crafts on a whim?
Look, we can get out of this economic mess. We can. We're America, dammit! We got independent entrepreneurs and helicopter wolf-sharpshooters out the wazoo!
But it's gonna take some sacrifices on our part to do it. And that means putting a guy in that big white house on Pennsylvania Avenue who can get us into as many wars with as many lipstick-smeared pit bulls as he can, as fast as humanly possible.
So are ya with me, 'Merica?
Or do I have to sick Palin on your asses?