8/15/08 Crawford, Texas...President George W. Bush tossed out the first football from the western White House today, officially kicking off America's 2008 Fantasy Football season. " It's like when I threw out that first pitch at Yankee Stadium after 9/11, only better," Bush told a gathering crowd of tumbleweeds at his soon to be up for sale Crawford Ranch. " Heck, it's been a tough year, so this Fantasy Football will sure help relieve some pressure and help me wind down this Administration.”
“ Me, Dick Cheney, and Condoleezza Rice are all set to hold our eighth and final FFB draft here at the ranch. We used to have many more fine folks here for our draft, but they drifted away over the years. Mostly just to be with their families. Fine folks like Karl Rove, Colin Powell, Rummy, Brownie, the Beltway Boys, that ungrateful loser Scott McCarron, Gonzo, Rush. I won’t be missing Rush’s cigar smoke, that’s for sure. Plus he can sure put away some chow at the draft!”
“Remember that quail hunt lawyer Harry Whittington? You gotta love Cheney busting Whitt’s head all up with that buckshot. Whitt's face was more messed up than that whooping Katrina laid on them New Orleans levees, ( heh, heh.). He wanted no parts of that 2006 draft. That Cheney sure is a hoot after a couple of cold ones, especially if you lay some pellets, some caged quail, and a shotgun nearby. It’s priceless!”
“ Scooter Libby is gone. Speaking of Scooter, I might be riding one of those bad boys soon. These gas prices sure are taking no prisoners. Seriously, can’t we water board some of these gas prices in Gitmo? ( heh, heh). Man, the American Dream's tires sure are getting slashed. I even invited Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to the draft, but they’re struggling with the entry fee. They must have been drunk at one time, sure sobering up now, (heh, heh ). This economy's worse than them ‘terrists’. Good thing we're gambling with our stimulus checks this year.”
“ Inauguration Day, January 20th, can't get here soon enough, but I'm gonna sprint to the finish. I'll win my FFB league again, way before we bring Bin Laden to justice. I won all the hardware last year with my slick FFB ’Surge’ strategy. I used my Patriot Act and hog-tied all them New England Patriots after week 2. That Wesley ‘Welcher’ sure had a heck of a year, (heh, heh).”
“I’m ’The Decider,’ so every year I naturally get the first pick in my draft, then the draft serpentines back and around to me, so I get the 2nd and 3rd picks. Then it’s my pick again. It’s kind of confusing, but I'm getting the first four picks this year. That should be enough for another ’mission accomplished,’ (heh, heh). Cheney won't care, he‘s been kind of out of touch lately any how, he might show up at the Convention. If we play next year, we’ll be holding the draft at Dick Cheney's crib, though. Google just removed his home from Google Maps and Google Earth Search, so ain't no way we'll ever get bothered there.”
“ I'm thinking that New Orleans RB Reggie Bush for my first selection. It might help cheer up some of those sour faces from that part of the world. I had Bush last year. I reckon a Bush can't have two bad campaigns back to back, ( heh, heh). And, besides, the best defense is always a good offense. I might even pardon QB Michael Vick with my 2nd pick. I hear Vick has the same positive cash flow as a dog right now. Or, how about that spanking new Jets QB Brett Favre? Man, that was some rough divorce from the Packers! I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, not even that John Edwards, (heh, heh). I won’t be taking that RB Laurence Maroney again, that's for sure. Maybe the new Patriots RB LaMont Jordan, though? LaMont had a TD in his first pre-season game. Who's that Steeler RB? Is it ‘Slick Willie’ or ‘Fast Willie?’ If it’s ‘Slick Willie,‘ I‘ll leave that up to Monica Lewinsky, (heh, heh). I might even take that WR from the Indy Colts, Anthony Gonzalez, out of respect for my heck of a disgraced Attorney General, Gonzo.”
“Man, this FFB is more addicting than that oil,( heh heh). Good thing me and the boys don't ban off-shore drilling any more. You gotta love the ‘Straight Talk Express,‘ John McCain. We're gonna drill all day, all night at my draft, right here, right now, during each and every round. Laura wants to dump this place anyway, so who cares if there’s crude oil spurting all up through the floor?. Jeb and the Beverly Hillbillies did just fine with that back in the day, (heh, heh). These FFB drafts never seem to get any easier, even with just the three of us here now. Next year, at least, I won't have so much on my mind. We'll be playing with Euros next year.”
“Anyway, good luck to all of you fine citizens out there in all of your 2008 FFB draft endeavors. Let's Play BALL! Hey, where are all you tumbleweeds blowing off to? Don’t tell me another one of them ‘axis of evil’ hurricanes is coming?. If Mother Nature was a terrorist organization, I’d sure have some egg on my face, but you gotta admit, that Brownie really did do a heck of a job. I know you all are gonna miss me, and God bless!”

Note: President Bush and his final 2008 lame duck FFB adventures will be updated randomly throughout this entire NFL football campaign. Find out who wins, EXCLUSIVELY, only here in “Fantasy Football Gone Wild”. You won't find this anywhere else.
You can't make this stuff up!