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Jesse Crater's Top Picks for Best (Worst) Horror Movies
DEAD ALIVE [1992]
In terms of gratuitous bloodspray, depravity, and crazed comedy, you can't beat the pre-Rings Peter Jackson. (Expecting hate mail from Evil Deadites.) Imagine in Psycho if Mother just wouldn't stay dead, munching guests and cramping your style. A kung-fu preacher! One disturbing resilient dead baby! Oedipal issues! Ash can keep his pansy chainsaw... real men use lawnmowers.
HOUSE OF THE DEAD [2003]
Loosely (read:badly) based on the video game series of the same name, HOTD gave genre vet Clint Howard another week's worth of booze money and launched the career of the illustrious (read: shameless) director Uwe Boll. Shoddy acting. Video game graphics. The most ridiculous rave scene ever -- narrowly edging out Return Of The Living Dead: Rave To The Grave. Oh, there's lots of dead people, and a house somewhere, but the true attraction is shouting at the screen, preferably in the company of drinking friends. Boll's marketing his own redubbed HOTD: Funny Version, but I'll bet you can do better.
DRACULA 3000 [2004]
Expected a Jason X-style sci-fi re-imagining; received Dracula 2000 [no relation!] by way of Alien: Resurrection. An interstellar salvage team boards a long-missing derelict warehouse -- er, spaceship -- carrying a cargo of suspiciously shoddy coffins. Somebody wakes up pissed. Way too many shots of Casper Van Dien doing nothing and everyone else running down the same corridor. On the plus side: three minutes of Udo Kier; Coolio listening to 1000-year-old hip-hop before smacking Whitey around as a trash-talking vampire; and Erika Eleniak... though after the final few scenes, I expected a written apology somewhere in the credits.
PHANTASM [1979]
This is a great movie to see when you're a kid. "Great" meaning traumatizing. If you're older, you'll probably spend too much time trying to figure it out. Don't. Don (Bubba Ho-Tep) Coscarelli's imaginative and uneven opus concerns a sinister Tall Man, a flying sphere, bad '70s hair, quacking dwarves, and the neighborhood ice cream man. It's weird. It's wonderful. It'll freak you out even as you wonder why. WTF exactly.
JESUS CHRIST: VAMPIRE HUNTER [2001]
The name says a lot. Find it.
~Jesse C!
posted by The Phoenix Files at
1:20 PM
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