Are times tough at work? It will suffice to say they are for those of us who work in newspapers. Doing more with less is pretty much our motto. (That would be an understatement).

Below is a column from regional business etiquette pro and author Barbara Pachter. I'm a fan of hers, and not only because she sends me clean press releases.

6 Ways To Be Verbally Graceful During Tough Times At Work

Budgets have been cut, people are being asked to do more with less and many employees are worried about losing their jobs. As a result, people are stressed in today’s workplace and can easily lose their cool when difficulty arises.

“The important thing to remember when you are harassed or attacked by someone,” according to business etiquette expert Barbara Pachter, author of The Power of Positive Confrontation ($14.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.), “is not to react in a way you will regret later. Though it may feel good to say, ‘Well, what do you know, you idiot?’ it’s not going to build your credibility or accomplish anything.”

But it is important to know how to respond. You don’t want to be thinking, “I should have said or done ....” It is easier to retain your composure, respond calmly and not attack back when you’re prepared.

Here are Pachter’s 6 guidelines for what to say or do when the going gets tough:

1. LET IT GO. Understanding that people are under a lot of pressure can allow you to cut the person some slack. Sometimes it can be best not to do or say anything--just listen. Many times the person will come back later and apologize for the outburst.

2. AGREE WITH THE COMMENT. A good defense is the best offense. You can agree with what the person said but add additional information that turns the comment around, such as, “You’re right. We did put a lot of people on this project because it’s important to get this information out to our customers at this time.”

3. ASK FOR CLARIFICATION. Ask questions or make comments to get more information: “Why are you saying that?” “Help me to understand what you mean by . . . .” “Tell me more about your concern.” “Are you saying it was . . . ?” Probing makes you less likely to appear wounded by the attack, and it also buys you some time to calm down and collect your thoughts.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU HAVE HEARD. First acknowledge what was said: “I understand your frustration,” or “I hear what you are saying.” Then use the word and, not but, to provide clarifying information, because using but negates what comes before it. A defusing statement such as “There may be some truth to that, and we are looking at the numbers,” or “That’s interesting, and you may not realize that we’ve been looking at those numbers,” can also let the person know that you have heard him or her.

5. RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE. Be polite but firm. You can say, “I disagree, and here’s why…”

6. POSTPONE THE DISCUSSION. Sometimes it is best to talk to the person privately. Say something like, “You obviously have strong feelings. Let’s get together after the meeting so we can discuss this issue in more depth.”


Barbara Pachter is a speaker, trainer, coach and author of numerous business books, including When The Little Things Count…And They Always Count ($14.95, paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and NewRules @Work: 79 Etiquette Tips, Tools and Techniques to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead ($13.95, paperback, Prentice Hall). She specializes in business etiquette and communication. Pachter gives over 100 seminars a year to major organizations worldwide, including Microsoft, Pfizer, Chrysler, and Cisco Systems.

Office romance is always touchy. Pun intended.

On this sensitive topic and others, I am a fan of author Barbara Pachter's humorous and practical office etiquette tips for every season.

For all you closet - or copier closet - office romance fans out there, here are some words to the wise about Valentine's Day:

Sharing a copier by day and a bedroom by night?

8 Valentine’s Day Rules for Workplace Relationships

Valentine’s Day is coming and that means there can be romance in the air at your workplace! According to business etiquette expert Barbara Pachter, author of NewRules@Work: 79 Etiquette Tips, Tools, and Techniques to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead, ($13.95, paperback, Prentice Hall Press), work is the place where more and more people meet their dates and mates, because that is where we spend most of our time.

But Pachter warns, “Be careful! If you don’t behave properly, an office romance can cause conflict and have a negative impact on your career.”

So as Valentine’s Day approaches, how do you share a copier by day and a bedroom by night with someone without hurting your professional image?

Here are 8 guidelines from Pachter:

1. Continue To Keep The Relationship Private. Just because it is Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t mean that you can start broadcasting your relationship or sharing information about it with others in the office. Even if your company takes a liberal view of office romance, it just isn’t professional to share details—good or bad—with others at work.

2. Keep Your Romance Offline. Don’t post comments about your romance or photos of your Valentine anywhere online. You never know who will see them.

3. Don’t E-mail X-Rated Valentine’s Day Cards. E-mail is not private. Also, do not mail an unsigned Valentine’s Day card to a coworker. Being a secret admirer is not a corporate concept.

4. No Romantic Displays. No physical contact in the office. No secret kissing, caressing, hand holding or sex in the office. People get caught and careers can get ruined.

5. Send Any Flowers Or Gifts To The Home. One man sent his girlfriend a huge bouquet of balloons to her office. Coworkers wanted to know who sent it and spent time trying to figure it out. She was embarrassed. Arrange for late delivery if no one will be home to accept the package.

6. Your Boss Shouldn’t Be Your Valentine. Relationships are tricky enough without your boss or subordinate being your Valentine. If you are dating your boss, have your reporting relationship changed.

7. Remember That Business Rules Apply In Business Social Situations. At any office party or business social event do not dance too closely, use seductive language, drink too much or wear seductive clothing.

8. If The Relationship Fails—Be Professional And Adult About It. Even if you have been jilted and the relationship ends badly you cannot vent your negative feelings in the office. This is the risk of office relationships. They sometimes don’t work out and then you have to continue to see or work with the person.

Barbara Pachter is a speaker, coach and author of 8 business books, including "The Power of Positive Confrontation" ($14.95, paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and "When the Little Things Count" ($13.95, paperback, Marlowe & Co.). She specializes in business etiquette and communication. Her client list features major organizations worldwide, including Microsoft, Pfizer, Chrysler, and Cisco Systems.

To view my other blog posts featuring Pachter's tips, visit "Santa says don't get soused at the holiday party" (December 2008) and "Book’s tips show how a hello and a handshake can further your career" (March 2008).

A previous company I worked for actually threw huge parties for the several hundred employees on holidays and at various other times during the year (product launches, summer celebrations). These were catered events, sometimes held at rented mansions on the Main Line. In addition to party games, DJs and catered food, there was free-flowing alcohol. At one July 4 picnic there was a BEER TRUCK. A truck with beer taps on the side. That's genius. But I digress...

Some people did take more than a nip or two. And the last Christmas party I attended at that job, one employee was dragged away in handcuffs for starting a drunken brawl out in the parking lot. Another rode away in an ambulance. I believe that might have been the last time that particular company provided alcohol for one of those shindigs. And at least one employee -- the arrested party -- was immediately fired for his drunken shenanigans.

So, the moral to the story is, if you like your job and want to keep it AFTER the Christmas party, don't do something stupid at that celebration like overindulge or drop your professional behavior. Sure, it's a party, but it's also a work function. There's a difference. And business etiquette expert and author Barbara Pachter expounds on that theory below. (I blogged about her "News@Work" book several months ago if you'd like to read more.)


9 ways to avoid disaster at the office holiday party

A saleswoman brought her dog to her manager’s holiday party at his home. The dog proceeded to do his business on the dining room rug. At another party, a young man got drunk, cursed out his boss and was fired on the spot. At another, an administrative assistant wore a very tight, revealing, short dress to her office party.

People do and say all sorts of inappropriate things at holiday parties. According to business etiquette expert Barbara Pachter, “Your behavior always matters. Just because you are out of the office doesn’t mean that your behavior doesn’t count.”
Pachter, author of the book NewRules@Work: 79 Etiquette Tips, Tools, and Techniques to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead, (Prentice Hall Press), recommends that you view the holiday party as you would any other business event. It is not the time to let it all hang out!

Here are Pachter’s 9 guidelines for holiday success:

1. MAKE SURE YOU ATTEND. Attendance at the company holiday party isn’t optional. Your absence will be noticed, and most likely, noted by your boss and other higher ups.

2. PREPARE CONVERSATION AHEAD OF TIME. Don’t just talk business. Be up-to-date on current events, happenings in your community. Read the newspaper, newsmagazines, company publications, and your professional journals.

3. STAY SOBER. Set a limit for yourself before you go to the party. It is much easier to limit your intake that way. Or, order a drink you don’t like and sip it slowly all night. A bank manager swears that he got promoted because his boss got drunk and she made such outrageous comments at the party that she was fired.

4. MINGLE. Talk to people you know and don’t know. This is an opportunity to meet new people. Don’t just stay with your group. Go up to people, say hello, introduce yourself, shake hands.

5. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY LANGUAGE. Even if the party is dull, it’s bad manners to let others see how bored you are. Don’t frown, slouch, cross arms or yawn.

6. DRESS APPROPRIATELY. It may be a party, but it’s still business. Nothing too short, too low, too tight or too anything.

7. PREPARE YOUR SPOUSE. If you’re attending the party with your spouse or significant other, prepare him or her in advance on appropriate dress and topics of conversation. Remember, his or her behavior will reflect on you. And if your spouse is supposed to attend, make sure he or she does. A CEO told his vice president that he was not advancing any further in the company unless his wife started attending company functions.

8. DON’T FORGET THAT YOUR BEHAVIOR ALWAYS MATTERS. Have a good time but…don’t make major personal revelations nor gossip. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because this is a party, you can address the company president by his or her first name.

9. SAY “THANK-YOU.” Be sure to send a thank-you note to the party’s organizer.

Barbara Pachter is a speaker, coach and author of numerous business books, including “The Power of Positive Confrontation” ($14.95, paperback, Marlowe & Co.) and “When the Little Things Count” ($13.95, paperback, Marlowe & Co.). She specializes in business etiquette and communication. Her client list features major organizations including Microsoft, Cisco, Pfizer, Chrysler, and Genentech.

This timely column comes from author and business etiquette expert Barbara Pachter, who has penned several business books, including NewRules@Work: 79 Etiquette Tips, Tools, and Techniques to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead (which I blogged about earlier this year) ($13.95, paperback, Prentice Hall Press) and When The Little Things Count: And They Always Count ($13.95, paperback, Marlowe & Co.)

She specializes in business etiquette and communication. Her client list features major organizations worldwide, including Microsoft, Pfizer, Chrysler and Genentech.

If you're tired of the constant political commentary everywhere you go this presidential election year, including work, read on:


With the presidential election in less than four weeks, it can be tempting to get into political discussions at work. What is the harm in admitting who you think should win the election or giving your opinion about post-war Iraq? It is just your opinion after all. Right?

“Yes, it is tempting, but don’t do it!” advises business etiquette expert Barbara Pachter, author of The Power of Positive Confrontation ($14.95 paperback, Marlowe & Co.). “When it comes to politics, people have strong opinions. Political discussions can quickly and easily escalate into arguments, sometimes heated ones. You may say something that insults your co-worker, boss or customer.

Yet, Pachter acknowledges, in today’s super-charged political climate, it is easy to want to know your colleagues’ opinions. But, if you think of the consequences of discussing the following questions, you may not ask them.

1. “Who are you going to vote for?”
Do not ask this question! You may get an answer you did not expect or want. Your opinion of that person can be altered, often negatively, if he or she is not voting for your candidate.

2. “Who do you think won the debate?”
You and your colleague may have very different opinions about who answered the questions effectively or who looked good behind the podium. Arguing the points will usually not resolve them. If a colleague keeps pushing his/her opinion, you can say, “Let’s agree to disagree.”

3. “How can you possibly vote for____?”
Asking this question is not just commenting on the person’s choice, it is putting the person down. Discussions can quickly become ugly after that!

4. “Don’t you think the candidate’s stance on ______ is outrageous?
Using strong negative language to discuss an issue can become fighting words to people. If you want to comment on an issue, a better way to word your disagreement is, “I disagree with the candidate’s position on _____because of_____.”

Others may ask these questions of you to draw you into a political discussion. Remember you don’t have to answer every question asked of you. Quickly excuse yourself or change the topic. You can also be assertive and politely tell the person, “I’m uncomfortable discussing this at work. Let’s get back to business.”

xxx

For a free copy of Pachter's e-newsletter, “Competitive Edge,” call (856) 751-6141 or go to www.pachter.com.

Reviewed: “New Rules @ Work: 79 Etiquette Tips, Tools and Techniques to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead,” by Barbara Pachter with Ellen Schneid Coleman, Prentice Hall Press, 2006, $13.95, paperback, 258 pages.

Author Barbara Pachter says it’s a good strategy, at a business event where alcohol is served, to order a drink you don’t much like and slowly sip it to make sure you don’t overindulge.
I (sort of) put this theory to the test at a recent after-hours networking event, when the bar had run out of the red wine or beer I would have preferred, and I had to drink (gasp!) light beer. But I don’t think that was exactly what Pachter was getting at. When the drinks are free, I’m not all that picky.
Pachter, author of numerous business books including “New Rules @ Work: 79 Etiquette Tips, Tool, and Techniques to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead,” states that when drinking alcohol in social/business situations, “Have a good time but…don’t forget your behavior always matters. Just because you are out of the office doesn’t mean that your behavior doesn’t count.
“Many workplaces don’t have a lot of rules — or may not enforce a lot of rules — when it comes to etiquette, or prescribed conduct, in or out of the office. “New Rules @ Work,” is practical and helpful in filling in the blanks.
Take the case of professional attire:Years ago, I was a contractor at a mutual funds company. Proper professional attire that included suits with conservative skirt lengths and certain types of shoes (no open toes, sneakers or clogs) worn with “proper hosiery” was required.
A lot of companies, however, opt for a “business casual” dress code. And in the heat and humidity of summer, those already casual rules may become even more relaxed, according to Pachter.
However, the author states, warmer weather doesn’t mean you can suddenly wear tiny skirts, skimpy tops or otherwise inappropriate clothing to your job.
“Sexy is not a corporate look,” warns Pachter.
She suggests, “If your company does not have a written policy, look at what other people wear, especially the more senior people, the more successful ones. They are often good role models.”
There’s also a chapter devoted to “e-mail embarrassments.”
“Of course, it is inappropriate to say negative things to coworkers about colleagues — past or present — whatever technology you are using. However, the risks multiply when you use e-mail,” Pachter writes.
Many of us have been on the receiving end of an inappropriate e-mail that was erroneously sent to “reply all” instead of just to the sender. Pachter advises avoiding potentially embarrassing e-mail situations by beginning a fresh e-mail rather than replying in the heat of the moment.
A chapter I found particularly helpful discussed handshakes.“You should be certain to shake hands when you: Greet someone with more than just a hello and when you say goodbye; are introduced to someone; are visited in your office by someone from outside the company — for example, a customer, client or vendor; encounter a business colleague outside the office; or feel it is appropriate.”
There are times when I first meet someone in a professional capacity and that person does not extend their hand for a handshake. It’s sometimes awkward and feels like a rejection. What I learned from Pachter’s book is that I, as a woman, should not hesitate to extend my hand first — something that I realized that I do sometimes hesitate to do.
The proper etiquette is that “a man should wait for a woman to extend her hand.” Also: “The higher-ranking person should extend his or her hand first.”
Another chapter I found interesting discussed saying hello to people at work. It sounds simple enough — greeting those you see every day or even returning a hello — but not everybody does it, according to Pachter.
“You would not believe how many people tell me they are frequently ignored when they say hello to colleagues they encounter in hallways, elevators, cafeterias and elsewhere in the office,” she writes.
Her guideline: “If you make eye contact with someone who is within 10 feet of you, you must acknowledge the person with a nod or a smile. At five feet you must say something: ‘Hello,’ or ‘Good morning’ will suffice.”
Even a simple greeting can make your boss, coworker or client feel a connection. Like Pachter’s other tips, this one might just help you “get ahead and stay ahead.”