A 34-year-old Wal*Mart employee was trampled to death in Valley Stream, N.Y. today when a horde of slavering ghouls broke down the doors at 5 a.m. for a black Friday sale.
And who could blame them? Did you see the deals that place was offering? I mean, these people were totally justified in not only waiting outside the store since Thursday morning - making the sacrifice to skip Thanksgiving with their families in order to provide them with cut-rate prices on My Little Pony and G.I. Joe come X-mas morning - but also in turning a metal security door into an accordion in their blind shopping lust, additionally injuring several employees trying to help their departed co-worker and a woman who is eight months pregnant. (The woman and fetus are reportedly doing A-OK, by the way.)
When told they had to clear out because the store was closing due to the death, shoppers humbly complied and left while expressing their sincerest condolences.
Naw, I'm just kidding - they became enraged at the prospect and went right on shopping.
Because after all, what's a little complicity in murder compared to getting your fat, ugly talons on an $800 50-inch plasma TV?
Huh?
What's a little common human decency in the face of $70 digital cameras?
Eh?
Why should anyone be asked to behave like a rational human being under such circumstances, instead of a foul, piggish, stupid thing fit only to be shoved in a box and mailed to the filthiest corner of industrial China to produce lead-lined toys for the next 40 years in a slave camp?
Why indeed, with savings like these?
Meanwhile, in Palm Desert, Calif., two men shot each other to death in a Toys R' Us, either over an argument about a toy or in some gang-related foolishness.
Great.
Awesome.
Good job, America.