Alright, pop culture, I have a bone to pick with you. Or rather, a hair to pluck with you. The mustache.

Why do you keep saying "it's back" year after year after year after year? Sure, it's a bold (if not regrettable) retro fashion trend rarely seen around the Hollywood symposium that's absolutely worthy of exploiting, I get that--especially when we're talking about the shorn-shaven porno 'stache. But c'mon! Something can only come "back" so many times before it's just plain old HERE. Did it really ever go away to begin with? In recent pop-memory, there has been the always popular 'got milk' stache, Ron Burgundy, Borat, The Killers, Super Mario, dozens of Cohen Brothers movies, anyone who wants to ape Tom Selleck, etc.

Seriously, not a year goes by--not a YEAR!--where I don't read somewhere on the internet about how [insert your favorite year in the 21st century here] is the year that the ol' stache made it's triumphant return to mal-fashion, for better or worse. How can it be the return of a fashion trend in 2008 if it already returned in 2007... and 2006... and 2005???!!!!

I think this started when John Oates and Alex Trebek shaved off their monumentally hip staches. Is there no one keeping a better record of where and when these mustaches are growing! Something needs to be done about this. The mustache is way out of control, and I think analysts writing about fashion trends at the end of the year don't have anything to really write about besides our most beloved and sensational staches. It must stop now.

And quite frankly, I've seen more beards this year in music and Hollywood than staches. Prince William anyone? Makes a better story than "Robert Downey Jr. grew a stache for his new role in Sherlock Holmes, and now it's everywhere."

When homeboys start growing Salvador Dali staches again, THAT will be something to write about. Until then, stop lathering up something that's already been growing for years.

I'm always down for a lousy excuse to party (like, "They had a sale at the beer store so we got a keg!" Or the ol "I don't know anyone who's birthday is today, but SOMEONE is celebrating a birthday today, so drag out the kazoos and fireworks fellas and party!" Or the always entertaining, the economy sucks, let's wear bandannas, stay in and get blitzed and play Guitar Hero!" party, those are a blast), but I have the worst time getting into celebrating New Year's Eve. It's like going to a World Series baseball game for a $10 hot dog that tastes like gym shoes instead of going to the grocery store, buying a dozen dogs and firing them up on the grill at home with some friends.

Although it's not the drunken bafooning, girls in obnoxiously stupid boots, awful music, and balls with blinking lights that necessarily scrooge me out. It's all the careful planning, and money, and worry about cops and/or drunk drivers. And the resolutions, oh, the resolutions! Seriously. Don't ask me what my resolutions for next year are, because I will throw my beer on you and tell you that my first resolution is to not get you a towel to clean up the mess I just made. Resolute THAT, Charlie Brown.

But I'm not bitter. You say "Party with us, Chris!" and I'll show up with a paper hat on. I just find more enjoyment in celebrating real stupid things...a reason to go out and buy a new calendar is not something I'm willing to party over. Unless, we're talking about a REALLY cool calendar.

But if you're with me and dread celebrating anything on New Years, think about this. The world isn't ending this New Year's because it's already next year in Australia. Now, there's a reason to toss back some pints and make bear noises with your friends. W00t!