Sunday, December 14, 2008

Elfman's Worst Xmas Movie Ever!

As promised, here's a little early Xmas present for all of you, a guest blog from the Elfman!
Enjoy

Santa Conquers the Martians Pictures, Images and Photos

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Reviewed by the Elfman

"Something is happening to the children of Mars"
Yes the Red Planet is in a state of panic as Martian Children become increasingly despondent, watching meaningless videos telecast from Earth. Their children are growing up way too fast and must recapture their youth.
Solution: "We Need a Santa Claus on Mars"
Yes, "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians" is hands down the worse holiday movie ever and possibly one of the worst movies of all time. Yet this 1964 film from Joseph E. Levine was a box office smash and even sparked the hit tune "Hooray for Santy Claus."

The chorus gleefully proclaims: You spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S, Hooray for Santy Clause.(Were they worried that kids would be confused by the spelling?)
The plot of the movie revolves around a group of Martian leaders including the good Kimar and evil Volgar and their journey to earth where they kidnap St. Nick and two earth children who can't act their way out of a Christmas stocking.
Santa played by John Hall isn't much better and expresses joy with more of a drunken snarl than a jolly belly laugh.
Things really heat up when the Martians invade the North Pole and muscle Santa out of his workshop to the horror of all 3 of his elves.
"We Don't Want To Hurt You Santa Claus, So Come Along Quietly."
The film for the most part is a real treat for bad movie lovers of all ages.
However you might want to fast forward through seemingly endless Air Force stock footage when they are alerted of the invasion.
Classic dialogue includes a scene between Kimar and wife Lady Momar as they discuss their children's peril. (one of them played by a young Pia Zadora)
"They Eat Not, They Sleep Not"
"I Had To Use The Sleep Spray On Them Again"
But my favorite scene is when a group of Martian elite summon an 800-year-old wise man from the planet named Chochum(?). This guy is clearly dead, he just won't lay down.
Chochum advises them that "Children Need To Be Children Again" and "I've Seen This Coming For Centuries." (Then why didn't he tell anybody?)
Hopefully Martian paramedics are standing by because Chochum isn't likely to make 801.
If you love bad movies like I do this is a must for the holidays.
The Elfman has Spoken.

Thanks Elfman! For those of you curious enough, you can watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on Google Video. Follow this link
http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=santa+claus+matians&emb=0&aq=f#

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