Yeah, I know I haven't been blogging... But, you see, my desk at work disappeared. It just VANISHED! What do you want me to do about it??! (It could be under this mountain of work I have to do...but I'm too scared to start looking there.) Hopefully it turns up soon.

Of course, there is the off chance my desk-gone-MIA has been nabbed by those zombies that have been lurking around the country, according to those big orange construction signs. Because, you know, zombies do have a blood-snarling urge for, ugh, desks.

What am I talking about? Well, hacked construction signs around the country have been warning drivers of "Zombies Ahead" instead of "Construction Ahead" or "Slow Down" or "Turn your wipers on" or "Click It Or Ticket" the past month, or so.

Obviously, authority types and the PennDOT folks don't think too highly of this grade-A shenanigan spreading around the country like a virus. But now that the invading undead have made their way to our neck of the woods, I want to know why. Why zombies? Are the zombies fighting back? Is this a futile attempt to take back the fantasy monster throne from the Twilight franchise and it's vegetarian vampires? It's possible. Zombies need love too. They can't stand by as the world falls in love with a romance novel series about vegetarian vampires. It's bad enough that they're talking about making a Lost Boys threequel.

Of course, there aren't REALLY any zombies. It's just some misled brilliant kids wielding their uncanny brilliance to scare old people instead of using it to save the world.

But if you think about it, it's like bathroom stall writing. You want to write something that people will instinctively read, and laugh at. So if you were as smart as these kids, and could and would hack into one of these highway road signs for one hour tonight, what would YOU say? Would you confess your love, or propose marriage? Could you say something to better the world? Or are the gloves off? What would you put on a blinking road sign?

"THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"
"WHERE'S WALDO??"
"UNICORNS ARE REAL"
"THIS IS SKYNET. I AM SELF AWARE"
"TURN AROUND! MAULING BEARS! AH!"
"THE MOONINITES HAVE LANDED"
"U R BEING RICK ROLLED"
"NEWSPAPERS RULE!"
"WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?"
"BIN LADEN AHEAD"
"YOU CANT DRIVE 55"
"HONK NOW OR DIE"
"NAKED HASSELHOFF AHEAD"
"BUSH RE-ELECTED"
"TAG YOU'RE IT"
"TWO FACE LIVES"

You know how I know when it's ridiculously, disgustingly, insidiuosly, stunningly, god-forsakenly cold?

One rather 'duh' system of measurement would be to pull out your trusty ol' thermometer. If you see no red (I worked REALLY hard to avoid any Mercury pun there) in the thermometer and you're standing outside, and you can't feel your arms... then you have frost bite, it's cold, and you should stop doing whatever it is you're doing outside in the cold. However there is a bright side. At this point, you could let a bear maul your arm off, and you wouldn't feel a thing. You can't buy toughness of that magnitude, pal. Of course, you can't buy another natural left arm either, so don't go having TOO much fun with your new frostbitten limb.

Another option is to check the 5-day forecast at (ready for it? here comes the daily cheap plug!) pottsmerc.com, which can prove quite insightful. However, because Bob Dylan said "you don't need a Weatherman to know which way the wind blows" and the simple fact that boring people check the weather (see also: people who use weather for small talk/elevator talk with colleagues and peers), I don't take this route.

Or (as brilliantly showcased in Dumb & Dumber and A Christmas Story) you could employ a brainless friend of yours and kindly ask him or her to stick their tongue to the nearest flag pole. If it sticks like rubber and the tongue needs to be hacked off, then yes, it is ridiculously, disgustingly, insidiuosly, stunningly, god-forsakenly cold out, and you should get in doors, make cocoa, and call your friend to leave him a voicemail where you can now say things like, "How come you're not answering? Pole got your tongue? I never thought you'd give me the cold shoulder like this."

But if you're like me, you're all out of friends with tongues left to stick to poles. So I've been forced to find other creative ways to find out how cold it is outside.

Today, dear readers, is ridiculously, disgustingly, insidiuosly, stunningly, god-forsakenly cold.

And do you know how I know? Because, when I went to get in my car this morning--the seats and floor were STILL COVERED IN SNOW FROM YESTERDAY'S SNOW STORM. And it's not like I didn't use the heater when I drove home last night. This, is landmark cold. This is colder than the black hearts of those folks out there who will rick-roll trick you into believing a Batman 3 trailer has surfaced. That is cold.

So now that we've established that it's cold, what now? We don't donate our frostbitten limbs to would-be mauling bears, no sir. We dig out those lonely, desolate records of warmth that only resonate when you feel lifeless, numb, and bitterly frozen in time. Days like today, these soft, soulful records set my soul afire:

Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago and Blook Bank EP

The entire catalogue of Margot & The Nuclear So & Sos (I prefer the set of acoustic demos I uncovered on the internet somewhere)

Eddie Veddar - Into The Wild Soundtrack (If you don't want to hear "Hard Sun" after a snow day, you are soulless. SOULLESS.)

Meredith Bragg & The Terminals - Silver Sonya

Brand New - The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me

Death Cab For Cutie - Narrow Stairs (particularly the last song)

Elliott Smith - New Moon ("Angel In The Snow" and "Thirteen" get me every time)

Coldplay - Parachutes (with a name like Coldplay, they deserve to be on the cold fighters list, right?)

Nick Drake - Pink Moon (better for those quiet summer nights under the stars, but fits remarkably well in this category too)

What about you? Any records that you only listen to this time of year that just melt all those icicles growing off ya? And did you know that it was cold today?