Last week, a mail miracle occurred.

I didn't get any.

Sitting on my front porch with a book (yes, made from paper), I watched in wonder as our friendly neighborhood carrier passed by and said "nothing today."

I was flabbergasted.

Dumbfounded.

Non-plussed.

We at Thin Green Line's Corporate Mega-Headquarters and luxury green spa were puzzled because we have not yet done what we put on our "to do" list months ago -- sign up with 41 pounds.org

We should. After all, what's not to like?

For $41, they stop all junk mail to your house for five years.

No credit card offers to shred or unwanted catalogs; one-hundred-plus trees not harvested to make the junk; 28 billion gallons of water kept clean.

And, more than two-thirds of the fee you pay is donated to the green charity of your choice.

(We are compelled to report here that, sadly, despite vociferous argumentation by the Thin Green Line's financial team -- all of whom have paid their taxes, for the most part -- those snobs at the IRS insist we are not a charity and you cannot name us at the "charity of your choice." Apparently, we also do not qualify for a government bail-out despite making many, many financial mistakes with other people's money. Sad as this no doubt makes you, believe you us, it makes US much sadder.)

Anyway, back to our over-burdened mailman. Despite his tendency to deliver unwanted bills, he's a great guy who unfortunately is tasked with carrying a whole lot of other stuff we don't want; in other words, junk mail.

Now those in the business like to call it "direct mail," as in mail that goes "direct"ly into the trash.

There is a little less of it these days, primarily because a national credit crisis has a tendency to dry up myriad credit card offers from companies that no longer feel safe giving credit to Fort Knox, much less environmentalist losers trying to make a better world.

But let's not kid ourselves, its out there...waiting... and, like an Arnold Schwarzenegger cameo in the next Terminator movie, it will be back!

So now comes the spot in our blog where we bombard you with numbers to prove our incontrovertible point; numbers carefully researched by a guy sitting at home in sweat pants reading The New York Times.

According to our crack research department, producing junk mail produces more carbon dioxide than nine million cars.

Now those readers who did not respond to Earth Hour's call last month to shut down all unnecessary lighting for one-hour by declaring in self-righteous (and mildly paranoid) defiance that you would turn on lights you don't even own, probably know that nasty old CO2 is the planet's number one greenhouse gas.

In fact, our (unwitting) research partners at the Times inform us here that a recent report by Forest Ethics -- with the fabulously clever title of "Do Not Mail: Climate Change Enclosed" -- found "mail advertisements create 51.5 million metric tons of greenhouse gases each year — equivalent to the emissions generated by heating about 13 million homes during the winter, or mowing more than 20 billion lawns. "

Worse yet, only about 40 percent of junk mail gets recycled, probably because those of us who cannot afford to have our credit rating get any worse have to systematically shred each of those sounds-too-good-to-be-true-because-they-are credit card offers to prevent dumpster divers from stealing our slightly tarnished good name.

Those who (literally) bring you your junk mail, the U.S. Postal Service, are doing their part, installing 4,000 recycling stations near post office boxes so as much can be captured there as possible.

The Post Office is even urging direct mailers to follow their lead, providing a list of things they can do to green their product such as providing people the chance to "opt out" of being on their list and using recycled paper and biodegradable inks for their product.

But those direct mailers are a stubborn lot.

View here, if you have the stomach for it, an interview with Michael J. Critelli, 59, executive chairman of the mailing company Pitney Bowes, who uses a defense for junk mail that is as time-honored as it is disingenuous, best summarized as "we're not as bad as our competition."

Critelli argues that the trees used to make junk mail are replaced with new trees (so no harm, no foul); that junk mail makes up only 2 percent of landfill waste (what's 2 percent among friends?); and that spam, the bastard off-spring of junk mail, has an even greater environmental cost because of all the electricity those computer serves require.

All of which is completely true and, of course, completely besides the point.

To take the last point first, for this argument about spam to have weight, you have to assume that doing away with junk mail results in an increase in spam. We took a poll here at the Thin Green Line office tower complex and decided we could live with doing away with both. It also presumes we'll swallow in slack-jawed conformity that because the harm the other guy is causing is worse, we won't care about the harm you are doing.

This line of logic was dis-proved once and for all in the famous case of Crook Vs. Homeowner, renowned for the burglar's famous line, "hey pal, you should stop worrying that I'm stealing your TV, because I saw your neighbor kick your cat!"

Further, there is an environmental cost to harvesting those junk mail trees, replaced or not, and such mono-culture replants are rarely as diverse or as stable as old-growth forests; not to mention the greenhouse gases emitted by the chainsaws, loaders, helicopters (yes, we've seen it on The History Channel so it must be true) and paper mills.

Lastly, we doubt anyone would argue that reducing landfill waste by another two percent would be anything but a good thing.

Besides, how can you take seriously a guy who, when asked if some Americans like to get junk mail, replied "absolutely."

Forgive us, Mr. Critielli, if, when we ask ourselves this leading question -- "Do you think a guy whose salary is paid by junk mail will say anything to defend it no matter how damning the evidence of its harm?" -- we answer by saying "absolutely."

Now, if you all will excuse me, I have the clear the junk mail off my dining room table.

It's Christmas, and the paper, and the packaging, and the idling through the parking lot looking for a spot, and the schlepping from store to store, and the catalogs...

OK, so maybe you've guessed that being asked to come up with the 10 Best Green Gifts for the holidays put us in touch with our inner Scrooge.

And then it dawned on us, advise people to give the gift of -- nothing.

Let's face it folks, none of us have any money this year and, more important, we all have more crap than we could ever use.

So how about this year, we get in touch with what the holiday is supposed to be all about, you know, good cheer, kindness toward others, good will toward men.

So, with this theme in mind, let's explore how we can find nothing under the tree this year and still be merry.

1) Junk the Junk -- Hey, nobody likes Junk Mail, but at holiday time, you could build a house with the stuff that comes through the door. So instead of using it to buy a gift for that special someone, give the someone the special gift of getting rid of it -- permanently.

A company called 41 Pounds provides a service that stops 85 to 90 percent of the mail you don't want, for $41 for five years.

2) Adopt Something that Needs Your Help -- Rather than try to compete, let me (again) crib shamelessly from Grist Magazine which advises you can "adopt endangered animals -- and even parcels of rainforest land -- in someone's name. For the greenie who has everything, look past the charismatic megafauna to sting rays, Hellbender salamanders, and vampire bats -- because nothing says happy holidays like poisonous stingers, cannibalism, and blood sucking." Ah, don't you just love the holidays?

3) Provide a Service -- Everyone knows someone who has a child who needs watching, a foot that needs rubbing, a garage that needs cleaning or even a portfolio that needs advising. These things cost money too, and buying or providing them gives your receiver the most important gifts of all, time and piece of mind.

4) Have a Good Time -- Some years ago, old friends of The Thin Green Line agreed to stop buying crap and instead, decided to devote the money to something worthwhile -- drinking! To be specific, we would make a holiday date and all go out and spend quality time together.

While alcohol is certainly not required (although advisable in moderation), good times are to be had a-plenty at Christmas time. Right down on High Street, the TriCounty Performing Arts Center is staging its premiere performance of "Miracle on 34th Street."

Up in equally lovely East Greenville, The Grand movie theater, remodeled to look as it did in 1924, will continue it holiday tradition showing "Scrooge," starring Albert Finney, starting Dec. 12. Also premiering will be the theater's historic 1923 Marr & Colton Theater Pipe Organ. Admission is only $5 and, on Dec. 17, admission is free!

Also free is the concert that will take place on Dec. 5 for Phoenixville's First Friday. The free concert will be at the Steel City Coffee House on Bridge Street from 6 to 9 p.m. One week and one day later, come and see the Holiday Luminaria set up at Lock 60 at the Locktender's House run by the Schuylkill Canal Association, also from 6 to 9 p.m.

5) Remember the Second R -- For that person on your list who just won't take "no stuff" for an answer, remember what comes after reduce and recycling. (It's "re-use" dummy! Don't you have your Tree-Hugger Manual handy?) Any-hoo, if there's one thing Pennsylvanians are good at it's re-using, they being so ... thrifty. That's the word. So go to the church bazaar or the antique store and give the gift that's already been given. In many cases, you can find something that's been locally made, involves little or no plastic and may even benefit an organization in your community.

6) Speaking of Helping a Community -- Help your own or someone else's. Our mother, never a fan of crap, decided to teach our little green liners about the real spirit of Christmas and rather than sending crap, sends them a note about a village in Africa that is getting a goat instead of them getting another PlayStation game. Local organizations, like the Green Valleys Association, abound. Or go far afield and help communities in the Third World develop sustainable practices.

7) Give the Gift of Knowledge -- My wife and I have long bemoaned the fact that no one would pay for us to go to college. We had been doing it for 17 years and had become quite good at it. But if you can't get paid to go to class, maybe you can cover someone else's costs. Both the Gallery on High and TriCounty Performing Arts Center have classes right here in Pottstown, as does the Pottstown Parks and Recreation Department, the YMCA and YWCA and, or course, the Montgomery County Community College's West Campus. All right here in Pottstown.

8) A Taste of the Holidays -- Put your stove to work. For years, my wife, sister-in-law and mother-in-law put together a collection of Christmas cookies, candies and sweets that still has people asking for more when they send Christmas cards (which are, of course, printed on recycled paper.) Yes, it takes time, but that's the idea. If time is money, making plates of cookies to give as gifts is perhaps the most expensive gift you can give.

9) A Gift That Gives Back -- You can also combine suggestions six and two. Consider that many organizations whose goals include helping your communitity and its environment sell items as a way to raise money. For example, the Berks County Conservancy sells a fleece jacket for $42 or, if that's to pricey, a $21 watercolor print of a painting called "The Oley Hills," identified as one of the most pristine areas of the the Highlands.


10) Explore Your Inner Crafter -- So perhaps, like those of us here at The Thin Green Line, the only handicraft ability you have is to buy them. But even you can put together a photo album, re-live that time the two of you got lost in the woods for two days and descended into savagery -- ah good times. If not, consider making something for some of your more recalcitrant recyclers, like a bin for their plastics. Or peruse the selection at RSI, where they specialize in sustainable gifting with things like rugs made from old jeans, or more useful things like battery re-chargers, used books (we once found a complete works of Shakespeare there for $5!) and even an electricity monitor.

Whatever you decide, remember that Christmas has always been about new life and the fewer things that get killed in order to celebrate it are in keeping with the spirit of the holiday.